why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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