I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
