soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
