I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
