I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
