My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
