Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
