His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I love you. Go after that dick
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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