People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
