I got chris browned last night
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
