Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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