dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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