I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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