so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize