no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
