Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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