Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
