How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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