you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
