it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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