I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
