i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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