A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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