1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
