I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize