I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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