His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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