Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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