how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
