I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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