East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
