Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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