Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
