Betty ford says i'm here all night
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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