Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
