my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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