he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
