Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
