Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
