i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize