My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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