I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
