I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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