Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Randomize
