I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
