I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize