Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
