I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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