the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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