he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
