i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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