Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
