I need help removing her.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
