my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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