My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
