All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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