I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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