I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
